Singing for the soul

I am a bad singer period . I love to sing but I am incredibly embarrassed to do so . Thus I have always preferred listening to music on my headphones with really loud volume and imagining myself singing that song. . To be honest I never really sang until a couple of days . I didn’t even know what I sounded like if I tried to sing .

All of his changed last week . As I drowning in the pool of existential crisis , I saw a interview of Ed sheeran on theJonathan ross show . During the show Ed pulled out an old clip of him singing . And .. it was well .. not the ed sheeran we know . Ed chuckling said ‘ everyone thinks popstars are born singers , but that is not true ‘ . He explained that he practiced his ass off to get where he is .

Now singers working incredibly hard on their craft was not something new to me . Almost every famous singer will tell you about their long hours of practice schedules . What really surprised me was that Ed sounded like most of us in the shower in that audio clip that he played for the audience .And somehow inspired me . Gave me some hope rather made me less ashamed of myself . Having watched all the 10 year olds on America’s Got Talent belting out like Whitney houston . I was convinced that if you aren’t born with a incredible voice , you shouldn’t be singing . But this little 30 second clip really shifted my perespective .

So the very next day ,I dusted off my brother’s piano and started to sing . Now this ain’t any fairytale . It doesn’t really have a happy ending . When I sang I did sound as horrible as I had imagined . But at the same it just felt so good . Just to close my eyes groove to the music and actually sing . That feeling was like no other . I sounded horrid . My parents even came to check on me to see if I’m okay !But I don’t really care about how bad I sound . I love singing and I am keep going to love my horrid , terrible voice and enjoy it !

Why can’t I have fun ?

This is the continuation of my last post .https://sanjanasyadav.wordpress.com/2021/06/12/fun-its-too-much-work/

As I was writing the previous post I was wondering why am I never able to pursue a hobby or do anything fun?

Well my best guess right now is – procrastination. Every time I decide to take up a hobby, I keep thinking about it . How many blogs will I write , how many hours I will spend on it , what all comments will I get on my post and how wonderful it will be if I get famous because of it.

At the end I have derived the joy out of doing that activity without actually doing it . At first sight it sounds like a comfortable option. I get to feel like the best blogger , dancer singer , pianist and don’t have to work for it . But the problem is that the joy I derive out of this isn’t tangible or real .

More importantly, if my imagination can make me feel like a champ , it can make me feel like a loser too . This has started happening more often then not for me . So this time . I usually wake up from my own little world only to realise that reality is not the same . I start feeling empty , hopeless and rather useless.

So this time round , I will do things the right way . I will stay in the real world , put in the effort this hobby requires and then see where it takes me.

FUN : ITS TOO MUCH WORK

As my exams ended today , I decide to do something fun . I started off by writing a list of topics . I created a blog . All of this so that I could pursue my hearts desire – writing .

But now that I have created a blog, set aside a time and made up my mind to write . I don’t want to write . It has suddenly started feeling like a drudgery. I’d rather watch you tube or surf on the net. This is the same sequence of events that take place every time I think of picking up a hobby .

I always think of picking up a hobby when my exams start. During this time I’m forced to stop procrastinating and study for long hours . The result – I start contemplating about life. I soon come to the conclusion that all my life I’ll study , get a job, work all my life and that would be it . No excitement , no joy. As I keep thinking on this line, I end up at a dead end with the simple answer that life has no meaning

Usually at this stage my mom notices that something is wrong with me and talks to me about it . She tries to comfort me by telling me her own life story and that her key to happiness is me .This knocks some sense into me and I try to find some joy in life .

My answer to this meaningless abyss is pursuing a hobby . This is what brought me here. But right now it feel like too much work .